I know, I know, but…

This is one of those topics that is going to get a LOT of use from me here on this blog. Why? I tend to do a lot of self examination mentally.

Transsexuals in general tend to think more and examine themselves in the mirror because we are forced to. Everyone who has ever gone FtM or MtF is forced to undergo a lot of mental examination and therapy.

A lot of it is good, the forced inspection of your psyche and the decisions you are making. This is a life-altering change, and in a lot of cases it is one that can’t be taken back. Things that worked fine last week are now going to be PERMANENTLY messed up, so it is good that there is a time when you have to spend a few extra days to re-think the situation.

The part that bugs me about this whole process is when it’s obvious that there has been a lot of thinking, soul searching and personal epiphanies and they STILL insist that you go through the process.

But that’s not the topic of this post.

I put up a Twitter post about wanting a Playboy Bunny Uniform. I started thinking, as is my habit, about why I like that so much.

It’s a combination of things really. First, I like corsets A LOT. This is a combination corset and bodice, with a neat collar and cuffs thrown in. It’s solid, tight and it holds hard. I think that Laverne DeFazio said in the episode where she was wearing a bunny uniform that she was being cut in half. That’s what I want.

They are sexy as hell. I can’t think of a time when the Playboy Bunnies didn’t get associated with sex, even though there were multiple “morality clauses” in their work contracts. They couldn’t date any customers and they had to act like ladies the rest of the time (contrary to popular belief, a Bunny was NOT a Playmate who posed for pictures, they were strictly waitresses in the clubs). As such they exude femininity and self-assurance while at the same time being innocently sexy. That’s a devastating combination.

Then add in the submission factor. Beautiful lady being controlled by her clothing, wearing a collar and cuffs, with a headband with ears and a tail of all things. Humiliation/degredation/submission, and then put them in a menial job where they are SUPPOSED to defer to men, look pretty for men, wait on men, flatter men, talk to and joke with men, and basically give up their lives for the 8 hours they are working, for men, a Man (Hef) and the Hutch Mothers (who ran the clubs).

Given my tastes in submission and being controlled, can you see why I want that?

I would LOVE to go back in time, be a girl and work in the clubs. I’d do it in a heartbeat and I’d do anything to make it happen. Alas, we don’t have a time machine and it’s not going to happen.

I still want the outfit though. I know of one lady who made replicas who isn’t anymore because of losing money and so on, but I’d love to see if she had any still in storage. Or I’d wish that a fan of mine could get one from the current club in Las Vegas and send it to me.

Will it happen? Probably not. But I can dream.

And that’s what this site is about ultimately.

Like many TS readers of late, I have been waiting on FictionMania to come back online. It’s been nearly a year, and finally they are back as of the First of June.

Well, to celebrate, I went and started reading stories there again.

Why did I do this? Mainly because I love reading erotica. I like the stories, I love reading about other people who get their fantasies fulfilled. But here I am reading this and I find myself having flashbacks.

Humiliation and I don’t get along in stories. I’ve been emotionally abused like that for far too long, and it’s nothing that I have ever worked on or dealt with. I have an *official* diagnosis of PTSD in regards to my childhood and a lot of crap that happened to me in regards to my TS nature and just me in general.

So I’m reading along about how good it feels to have panties on, and then BAM! there’s the actual woman making fun of the poor TS kid, laughing at hir and I feel like shit now.

Stories are supposed to get the audience identifying with the main character. It’s one way that the reader knows they have been touched by this particular author.  But when the author takes an otherwise good story and throws in humiliation like that, I can’t read it.

Don’t get me wrong, I WANT to read it, I try to read it, but then I’m thrown back into feeling the way I did when I was little, and it kills me.  I guess that’s the same thing that the word “sissy” does to some.

I’ll stick with Big Closet/Top Shelf for my sweet and sentimental reading I guess.  Fictionmania seems to be the porn mag version of Top Shelf.  They take anything and everything hoping to luck on to a good story or an audience for this or that piece of fiction, and a lot of crap makes its way past those filters of “good taste”.

Hi. I’m Joy, and this is a true story. I’ve changed some names to protect those who didn’t know better or who didn’t care, but the circumstances described are true.

I have to explain a few things first, so you don’t come into this story thinking that this story is going to be what it is not. I’m not transitioning over to full female all the time. I’m not gay, and I’m not ashamed or humiliated with who and what I am. Read more…

I’ve taken some “flack” (as minor as it is) to my objections to the Matthew Sheppard Law. I do have reasons for my objections and I’m going to list them here.

My primary objection is that we shouldn’t legislate against what is in someone’s heart. A crime is a crime, murder is murder, torture is torture and they should be punished as such. Adding more penalties on there because of what they feel or what they believe is fascist in my opinion.

We have laws on the books to make murder a crime. We have laws on the books to make torture a crime. I do not think that we need laws to make hatred a crime.

Here’s the rub, your first amendment rights to swing your fist ends at my nose. You may hate me and everything I stand for, you may say that as long as you want to to me, my family, my friends and more. But when you act on that hatred, then there are multiple recourses that can be taken to punish you for that invasion of my rights.

This is why I don’t think the Matthew Sheppard Law should be enacted. It makes what you believe a crime, not what you do. And that starts us down a slippery slope of thoughtcrime.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be killed. I don’t want to be attacked and beaten. But I think there are enough laws out there to already protect me in case of an attack, there doesn’t need to be additional penalties for what you think.

The next objection is that “how do you prove hatred”? That is requiring the jury and the judge and prosecutors to become mind readers. While motive is definitely a factor in crimes, motive alone cannot be used to prove a crime.

Yes, use hatred to prove motive, but it cannot be used in my opinion as additional punishments.

The last objection I have is this; I’m mortified to find out that I need additional protection from crime. A crime is a crime. It isn’t worse because I wear a dress and have a penis, it is still a crime. I’m equal to everyone else out there. There’s no need to put more laws on the books because I’m a minority.

So there you go, my opinion on this. Go ahead and do your worst.

The Plea, a poem

I am a transsexual.
I am not dirty.
I am not aberrant.
I am not a pervert.
I am not out to corrupt your children/husband/wife.
I am a woman in a man’s body.
I have a birth defect.
Read more…

We all have dreams. This is a site about dreams. Many of us come here to have our dreams when they are unattainable. This is a short paean to dreams.

A dream is a precious thing. It is not something that should be taken lightly. Once lost, many times you can’t get it back.

I have dreams. You have dreams. Think for a moment about the dreams you have had in the past. All those times when you were little and said “I want to be a Firefighter” or “I want to be just like Mommy” or something similar. Read more…