I know, I know, but…

(I have made comments screened on this post. Don’t be afraid to post your thoughts, only you and I will see them.)

If you haven’t figured this out by now, you REALLY need to get a clue; I’m transgendered. Therefore you would think that I would be interested in the LGBT issues that come up. Things like “can transitioned people get healthcare?” “Will marriages that were made before a sex change still be valid afterward?” “Can a non-gay author write a good book about being gay?” one would think I would be concerned about, but I’m just not.

Why is this? I have no clue.

I know that it should mean something to me. I know I should be concerned about these questions (okay, maybe not the book one), and I know that I should have an opinion. But I simply don’t.

My “altar ego” (and yes I spelled it that way deliberately) has been active in the Pagan community for quite some time. He has become known somewhat for being non-fluffy and for decrying the “dumbing down” of Paganism in general, especially by those who teach others. It has been a hell of a political career, one fought online and with a LOT of words exchanged on all sides, many of them mean and cutting.

I think that has burned me out for this kind of activism. I don’t have the fight in me anymore to do a whole lot of campaigning, votes for gays, carrying placards, putting up websites and gathering information.

Do I like that my rights are being threatened? No, not at all. I don’t like that homophobia is the law and that the law can take what I have simply because it doesn’t like me. I sign the petitions, I make the calls to my CongressCritters and let them know what I dislike. I voted for Obama.

But there is this lack still in me, a lack of righteous anger and a desire to do something about it. I’m tired. I’m poor. I’ve lost nearly everything, and it was becasue I was stupid, not transgendered. I’ve had to deal with more in the past two years than many people have to deal with in a lifetime. I’ve found my desire to dress as myself to wane, and to lose the desire to be who I am instead of who everyone sees also slack off. I’ve dealt with depression so deep that most people would think that death would be preferable. I’ve faced suicide several times and beat it back with willpower alone.

I think I’ve used up my allotment of “give-a-shit” coupons.

I think that’s why I don’t do much campaigning on this blog for LGBT issues and calls for political action. No, these issues are not right, yes, things can be done about them. But I want a place to ESCAPE reality, not to bring it into focus again, and fight AGAIN, and think and dwell and plan AGAIN. I want to be Princess Leia in her slave costume, I don’t want to be Billie Jean King fighting to play tennis.

I wonder if that makes me a coward, or just tired?

Mini-Biography:  Joy is a transvestite who has been using her stories as a form of therapy. At this point she has no desire to undergo the full transition, but that might change some day. Read more about her story at My Story on this site.