I’m not sure where to post this
I have about four different places I could post this entry. Here, my LiveJournal, my DreamWidth account, or over at TopShelf. I finally decided on here because this is what this blog is for, a post like this.
What am I whining about now, you might ask?
Stories. Yes, AGAIN….
Except in this case, it’s not my stories.
I just got a set of stories from Karen Anne Summerfield. I like her work. Her writing is what got me started in writing my own fiction, and I owe a lot of my mental stability to her. She has talked to me, emailed me and let me vent to her.
But lately I’ve been really dissatisfied with her work. It’s not that the work is bad, it’s simply that some of it knocks me sideways in a bad way. It’s not triggery, meaning that it’s not going to send me into flashbacks or a panic attack, but they leave me unsettled.
Why do I read them, you may wonder now? Well, not all her stories are like this. Out of the last several batches she sent along to me to read, four of them were fine, sweet and nice TS stories. This one, however was just… off. And now I’m more than a little uncomfortable.
I know why this has happened. The story starts out with forced feminization, and from there goes into a military/secret agent ride that I thoroughly enjoyed. It was in eight parts, and the last three took a turn that had me really REALLY uncomfortable. Slavery, the real enforced, slave kind of slavery, prostitution and forcing many things that, while I find them enjoyable in a consented BDSM relationship, I find horrific and distasteful when applied to someone who did not ask for it.
And I think that is what got me. The fact that she not only asked for NONE of it, but that those around her who were supposed to help her didn’t and shoved her back into the situations where she would be beaten, starved, hurt, permanent marks on her flesh that she had no voice in stopping or changing.
Now I’m in a bind. I’ve noticed that a lot of her works have been tending that direction lately, forced, non-consensual activities like that. Even the stories that I read that were sweet and sentimental had these elements in them, like a dusting of flour on your clothes when you work in a mill.
So how do I politely say to her that I object to this kind of story? Do I just say it and move on? Tell her gently? Hint? I don’t know.
What I want to do is to write her an email and say that I’m not liking that element of her stories and if she writes others like that to please not send them to me. While consensual bondage and dominance is fine with me, where the “slave” is a willing participant, being utterly helpless like that and incapable of changing it at all makes me really feel bad. It’s like when the High E string on a piano will vibrate when the Low E string is hit, in sympathy. My triggers get all shook up and start vibrating when this is shown to me.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m reading too much into this and I’m just being overly sensitive. Perhaps I should just not read stories like that. I don’t know anymore.
I’m a freak and I know it. I love BDSM being done to me, I love being dressed up in pretty dresses, I like being restrained (and believe me if it weren’t for the forced component in those stories, I’d have had any of the restraints on in a second). But being labeled a Sissy leaves me cold and hurt, being pointed at and laughed at makes me cry, and being forced into doing something or something being done to me makes me want to kill someone.
It’s like on a scale of 1 – 10, I can take it at about a 7, but that’s all. I’m not an edge player, I know that. I like being flogged, but canes and switches leave me cold and make me wonder who would want to.
So I don’t know. Anyone else out there have something similar?
Mini-Biography: Joy is a transvestite who has been using her stories as a form of therapy. At this point she has no desire to undergo the full transition, but that might change some day. Read more about her story at My Story on this site. 
